Dear mom,

I have something to confess to you.  I know you will be very disappointed in me, but I can't keep going on like nothing's wrong anymore.  These past few weeks, I've been skipping school.  Reality hit me when my school called.  I know you're probably mad, but it's not like I've been doing this for no good reason.  Ever since school started, I've been very depressed.  I wasn't that depressed in the beginning of the year, but I was holding it in.  I thought it would get better.  As months passed and as conditions got worse, it has been built up and up, again and again.  I'm at a point where I'm about to explode.  Now, I can't take it anymore.  I want to get out of Strathcona.  I want to get out of thls life.  I want to get homeschooled, or I'm going to ask to live with daddy.  This hurts me most because I can't imagine my life without you.  We have a very strong mother-daughter relationship and that makes me happy everytime we talk about something like this because I know you are always there for me.  It's nothing personal, but I can't do this anymore.  I know you don't want me to get hurt or for anything to happen to me, but if I still go on like this, I can pretty much guarantee that something will happen.  I'm not threatening that I will live with my dad, and though I love him sooo very much, we've been together longer.  I just want you to understand how I feel.  I can't do this!  I want to end this now.  I want to take my life right now, and as I'm writing this, I am sobbing.  The only thing preventing me to take my life is the thought of how you would feel and how Jimmy would feel when I'm gone.  I can picture you finding my body on the floor, unconscious.  I can picture you at my funeral.  I can picture your faces as you go through all of this.  It's truly breaking my heart, and if nothing changes, I feel like I have no other choice.  I'm sorry.  I don't know anymore.  I just want to run away from here.  I hate everything here!  I hate it so much!  I hate the people, the school, everything.  The only reason I'm staying is because of my family.  No one can see.  I feel like the loneliest person in the world.  No one understands how I feel, no one...  I have no friends and I have no one to talk to.  I would talk to Jimmy, but he doesn't understand because he's so much younger, so I'm prety much on my own, and I can't even talk to my mom about my problems afraid of what you might say.  We are so close and yet I can't talk to you about such an important issue.  I hope you understand that I do love you, and I'm not doing this to be cruel or insensitive towards you.  I do love you, and I want you to know that I always will even though we don't always get along, and I say I hate you, but I still love you.  Life was so much simpler than before, but now it's hard.  It's so hard.  It's so hard to keep all of these feelings in.  I can't..I just can't.  I'm sorry...

I'm so totally screwed!!!
My school keeps calling home, and I'm guessing it's because of my many many MANY absences!
Oh crap crap crap crap!  What am I going to do?
My mom is going to kill me! (not if I do first..no no NO!)

CRAP!!!!!
SUSPENSION HERE I COME

...............T_T................

Stomach pain! Owwwiee~~!!
I stayed home again today *rolls eyes at my self*
I'm so going to fail this semester
What do I care? I hate my school
It's absolute torture
I can't stand going there >:(
Haven't been to school regularly for over a month ><
SHAME SHAME SHAME
I miss my daddy!  I want to go back to Toronto and live with him.
Well, not exactly,...I still want my mom to be close by
And if I live with him, I have to leave my brother behind! :O Can't do that now, can I?
*Sigh* I want to go to Pacific Mall (my heaven!)
It has all this Asian stuff, and I especially want to go to this music store with DBSK merchandise! Ah!!

Trying to lose weight is hard and depressing!
I've been exercising constantly for 2 weeks now and eating healthy..
BUT this morning, I went on the scale and saw that I had gain 8 POUNDS!
I look slimmer, and I'm pretty sure it's muscle (well, my mom says it is), but...it still affects my self-esteem A LOT and it discourages me :(
I want to go to Toronto~~ lalalalalalala

I'm lonelier than ever now.
I have lost all my so-called "friends"!
Who needs them? They treat me like dirt anyway
Especially stupid ECADNAC and ACNAIB
Ever since ACNAIB came into the picture, everything has gone downhill
You took away all my friends, and they act mean to me everytime you're around, and you're around ALL THE TIME
Why can't you just go away?
I don't like you here
I don't particularly like you either
I never yell
I never get angry
I'm always nice
I try my best to help you with anything you need, even if it jeopardizes my plans
I cheer you up when you feel sad.  I can't say you've ever returned the favor
I understand how you're feeling and try my hardest to make the situation better
I help you with your studies AND NOW MY GRADES ARE GOING DOWN because I spent my time helping you!
I don't expect you to love me or do something for me
I just want you to respect me and be nice to me and like having me around
I'm not doing this to get something in return
I just want a friend
You can ask anyone.  I do the same for everyone, not just for you guys
I care about you all, but when you act this way to me
I don't know why I ever did this stuff for you
I never got angry..NEVER
..not until now...
I'm fed up
I'm upset
I don't think I did anything wrong
If I did, then tell me!
I can change, but why can't you
You see that the your other friends are doing this to, and yet YOU DO NOTHING
You just stand there, and then I look at you, my potential savior, and you walk away
I can't even approach you because I've seen what you've done to other people
You gang up on them and make them miserable
So..I guess I just have to take all of this? Ughh I don't know anymore
I want to move and start a new life
I don't want to live here anymore!
Sometimes I don't feel like I even want to live
This sucks....aw poo
And anways, it's not like you're going to do anything about it
You won't take me seriously like you never do!

Wow..this just downed my mood :(

Hmm..okay what makes me happy? (need to restore my mood lol)
-Dong Bang Shin Ki
-losing weight ;)
-missing school
-shopping
-GOING TO TORONTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Please let my school burn down..thank you :)

Woww..sorry for all of you who had to read and experience my cranky rant ^^
Please accept my apologies
I am going to write a new post with happy thoughts hehehe :D
Though sorry there might not be much
As you can see, I'm a pessimist *sigh*
Truly sorry..